I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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