I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
