i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
