Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
