so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
