He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
