I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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