Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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