I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
