i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
