OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
