Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
