I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
