i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
