dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
