i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
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