fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
