I am puke
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
