I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
