you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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