yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
