I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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