Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
