The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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