Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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