and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
