Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
