Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
