he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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