mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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