then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
whose ass print is on the piano?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You are the jesus of drinking
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
