Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
