I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
