1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
