I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
