She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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