Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You can't just leave with hair like that
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
