I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
