Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
