proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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