You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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