dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
