she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
