I think I died a long time ago.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
