I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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