Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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