The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Randomize
