A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
