While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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