I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I party with great urgency now.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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