i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
